Random Thoughts I Had While Visiting Disneyland

It really is a small world after all.

Random Thoughts I Had While Visiting Disneyland

When I plan a trip to Disneyland, I do so with the strategic mind of an NFL coach calling the game-winning plays during the Super Bowl. The entire start-to-finish experience is a mission to survive screaming children, epic lines and whiplashing rides. Oh, and there are some laughs and good times mixed in there somewhere too!

I’m not entirely cynical, I do have fun at Disneyland. It’s the happiest place on Earth, right? I enjoy people-watching in line and wondering how I can get Cinderella’s job. Plus, I can’t deny the amusement-park food — who doesn’t like eating a Mickey Mouse-shaped ice cream bar?

Buckle up and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times: Here are some random thoughts from a day at Disneyland.

Perhaps you can relate?

How should I get to Disneyland from my hotel? Do I drive and risk searching for a spot for an hour?

Nah, I’ll have plenty of time to lose my sanity once I actually get into the park (it is called The Most Stressful Place on Earth, yes?) — I’m going to go with an Uber or Lyft on this one and get the party started.

Sorry, driver.

Next question: Do I take out a bank loan for a FastPass or stand in line like a chump? I might as well get the FastPass so I can go on more than, you know, two rides over the course of the next 10 hours.

And now there’s a MaxPass that’s all electronic? And it costs an additional $15 on top of the hundred-plus I'm already spending?!

Ok, fine. But that's the last of the extra money I'll be shelling out...right?

Oh cool, Disneyland came out with surge pricing for single-day tickets. That means the price totally depends on demand. What is this, Uber?

And, of course, they try to reel you in by showing you that you can save “big bucks” the more days you buy tickets for. Fine, yes, take all my money. I’ll purchase a five-day pass. Do you accept tears and a payment plan?

Alright, we are in! Hello Mickey, whoever you are under that massive head. I wonder how long he has to stand there waving? Did we ever settle if Mickey and Minnie are friends, siblings or in a relationship?

These are the important questions.

Looking at the map, where do I even begin? Where am I? It looks like it will take me months to walk through this entire park. I didn’t realize this was going to be a backpacking trip.

Main Street, U.S.A seems like the perfect place to start and then I’ll move counterclockwise around this map to end in New Orleans Square so that I can eat all the Mickey Mouse-shaped beignets. Awesome! This is why we have plans, people!

So going clockwise, I’m heading into Tomorrowland. Part of me wishes it were the music festival in Boom, Belgium. Another time. Space Mountain, here I come. Holy Moley look at that line time! Does this ride actually go to space or something?

There is so much time to think when standing in line. I wonder how much it cost to build all of this? I wonder if anyone’s died on this ride? How do you even make an indoor rollercoaster? I do remember learning that Space Mountain was the second rollercoaster built in Disneyland in 1977…

Woohoo! THAT.WAS.AWESOME! The best part is when it launches you after the count down. Gets me every time. I want to go again!

So. Many. Screaming. Children. I can’t even focus on where to go next. I’m never having kids.

Oh yes, here we go — the Matterhorn Bobsleds. This is a winner. It’s always a long wait for this one, but totally worth it. They do such a great job of making it seem like I’m actually in Switzerland.

The summit of the Matterhorn in the Alps reaches over 14,000 feet above sea level. The Disney version is 147 feet tall. Close enough!

Do I go for the right-side track or left-side track on the Matterhorn? Which one is better?? I need to choose! CHOOSING IS HARD.

Ok, right side.

I’ve always wanted to high-five someone on the other bobsled during this ride — we get so close! Ah! Big Foot!

Oh no, I forgot about the water at the end of this ride. Don’t be cold, don’t be cold! Phew, I didn’t get wet. The right side of this ride is definitely better.

Ah, Fantasyland is a magical place. I love looking at Cinderella’s palace. How can I become a Disney princess? Imagine putting that on your resume. "Position: Cinderella at Disneyland. Skills: Smiling at all times, even when being attacked by hysterical children and sweating through a 10-pound ballgown in 100-degree heat."

Honestly, I would be impressed.

I think I remember learning that people who wear costumes like Donald Duck or Pluto are called “fuzzies,” even though they’re not technically fuzzy. And the costume can weigh up to 50 pounds! Imagine that in the heat!

Also, can someone please explain once and for all why Donald doesn't wear pants?

You know, I always regret going on “It’s A Small World” but I give in for nostalgia’s sake. And then… “it’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a —” shut up!! Never again.

FOR REAL THIS TIME.

I’m going to skip Mickey’s Toontown because those screaming children at the entrance are who I imagine will greet me at the gates of Hell.

Hello, Frontierland. I’m going straight for Big Thunder Mountain. This ride looks more impressive than it is but, eh, whatever. It’s a classic. I find it so funny that the dynamite goat on this ride has its own Facebook page!

Surprise, now I’m hungry. I’ve always been curious about the giant, 1.5-pound turkey legs. Do turkey legs even get that big? There’s gotta be some steroids going into those. I’ve also heard they actually taste like ham because they're cured in so much salt. No thanks.

Except, ok, who am I kidding, Can I have five please?

I can not deny the Mint Julip Bar in New Orleans Square. I’ve been waiting for this all day! I’m going to order two Fresh Mickey Beignets and a sugary, lemon-lime Mint Julip. It’s a shame these aren’t alcoholic. Ah, it feels so good to sit down.

If they sell alcohol at Disneyworld in Orlando, why don’t they serve it here? Actually, I did read something that said Disneyland will serve alcohol at the new Star War’s Galaxy’s Edge!

Riding in the Millenium Falcon while buzzed? A dream come true.

I have time for a few more rides. While I’m in New Orleans Square, I’ll go on Pirates of the Caribbean. Yay, another line. I wonder how many years of my life has been spent waiting in line. I wonder what other people think about when they’re waiting in line.

Does anyone else think that the Pirates of the Caribbean ride has a distinct, musky smell? It’s a bit of a snooze fest at the beginning but then it picks up. It’s a good option after you eat five beignets (oops).

What ride should I go on now? I feel like I’m in a daze. Hm, maybe I’ll wake up on Splash Mountain. It’s best to save that ride for the end of the day, so one doesn't end up walking around like a wet rat.

I’m feeling a bit sleepy. I’ve walked so much today, like 5 million steps or something. Maybe I’ll get something more substantial to eat, like the Monte Cristo sandwich from Cafe Orleans. Ham, turkey and Swiss cheese deep-fried to perfection then served with a berry dipping sauce? Yes, please! I've earned this.

Now I’m really falling into a food coma. I think I’ve covered everything I wanted to today. So…how do I get out of here?

Looking for exit signs, not seeing anything, starting to get claustrophobic. Would it really be that bad if I got stuck in the happiest place on Earth? Yes.

Ah, EXIT HERE! Main Street, U.S.A I can always depend on you. Goodbye, Mickey! Goodbye, Minnie! Goodbye, beautiful castle that I wish I could live in!

Now, someone get me a drink.