Hilarious One-Star Reviews of Disneyland and Disney World
Long lines and massive crowds are common complaints about Disneyland in California and Disney World in Florida. But according to ridiculous one-star reviews on Yelp, there are lots of other things to gripe about, too.
Like getting the cold shoulder from Darth Vader. Or being forced to hang out with Goofy instead of Mickey. Or dealing with low-quality toilet paper.
Other reviews are so all over the place, it’s hard to know exactly what’s being complained about ... which somehow makes them even funnier.
In any case, it’s hilarious to read people go on tirades about the supposedly Happiest Places on Earth. Here, we’ve gathered some of the most entertaining.
Too Expensive If You Have The Munchies
"Way over priced. Charge you $8 for a burger you can get at McDonald's for $1. Cannabis is legal in California yet i was smoking in a smoking area and got kicked out with no refund." —Don E.
Listen, just because it’s legal in the state doesn’t mean it’s allowed at The Magic Kingdom — the only high Disney wants you to experience is on its roller coasters.
This review is also kind of surprising. Wouldn't you think that if you were smoking cannabis, you’d be a little more chill about your experience no matter the outcome?
The Dark Lord Has a ‘Tude
"Tried taking a pic with vader. He did jot [sic] give me a good experience. He said he doesnt wanna see me again." — Joesh C.
Disney character actors are trained to stay in character no matter what happens. It’s sort of inevitable, then, that a professional completely immersed in the Dark Side of the Force might not be the bubbliest individual in the park.
Wouldn’t it be more disconcerting if Darth Vader had been extremely friendly?
Fix a Movie Decision, Improve the Park
"The park is ok at best. There's a few improvements that could be made. But above all else it would be a lot better if they rehired James Gunn." — Andrew B.
This reviewer took the time to write a review of a park just to get his two cents in about a decision Disney recently made regarding an upcoming “Guardians of the Galaxy” movie.
Never mind that the park has virtually nothing to do with the franchise except for a single themed ride. One star!
Get it Together, Adults
"This is a great place for adults to mow down your little ones. I was ashamed to be an adult. It's amazing how pathetic adults act for a ride. Sorry kids, you need to be a bit bigger to defend yourselves here. Working in the Insurance industry, I'm use to adults behaving like kids but this by far exceeded my already low expectations." — Marlin R.
Anyone who’s experienced a busy Disney theme park knows that it can be insanely overcrowded, and it’s common for reviewers to bemoan the number of small children running about. Less common are complaints, like this one, about the number of adults acting like children.
I guess the park really does bring out the kid in us.
We All Scream Over Ice Cream
“This establishment has me pay for a cone so I can get ice cream and then the ice cream machine just ends up never working I would not recommend this place it is absolutely horrible.”— Logan F.
Instead of buying an expensive Disney ticket to eat ice cream, maybe just...go to an ice cream shop instead?
But hey, you have to respect this reviewer's passion for a good scoop.
“Overrated. Overpriced. Mickey ignored me. I only got to hang with goofy. I've been here several times. Never had a good experience.” — David S.
Since this reviewer didn’t say exactly what happened with Mickey, we can only speculate. But we do kind of get it: When you’re the most famous mouse in the world, it’s easy to cop an attitude.
Either way, the consolation of hanging with Goofy must have been awful. That guy’s annoying.
Go Tell It on a Mountain
“Mountain people mountain sea!!!!!!!! Don't go there on Christmas Holiday unless the only thing you want to see and feel is people.”— Yifei L.
According to this reviewer, all the people at the park are mountains and the nearby sea is also made of mountains. Or something?
Or maybe they just hung out at Splash Mountain and Space Mountain and think that's all there is in the park?
We can’t say for sure. All we know is if you’re not into mountains, apparently Disney isn’t the park for you.
Express Yourself, Man
“something about disney brings out the cynic in me. i was tempted to graffiti the walls in saccharine hues, decoupage mickey mouse with splenda packets and force snow white to have a makeover. ad nauseum. not to mention that the ‘real’ little mermaid doesn't get the prince and ends up in perpetual limbo. to me, this place is akin to torture. i'd rather get a root canal. magic kingdom? my ‘golden ass.’”— bridget e.
For many, Disney inspires unbridled joy and innocent, childlike wonder.
For others, it inspires edgy angst and a diatribe that would sound best set to a funky beat in an underground hipster coffee shop.
To each their own.
Freedom to Smoke
“no smoking areas!!!!! not cool, we all are not ca liberals! give us americans a place to enjoy our freedom to smoke!!!!” — Katie K.
A lack of available smoking areas made this person so frustrated, they turned Disney into a political symbol and decided that Californians are not Americans.
This is probably someone who likes to argue that, though it may not be in the Constitution, the Founding Fathers definitely thought lighting up was a patriotic act.
So Many Insects
“You wanna know why i'm so angry??? First off the people are literal lazy insects. Most of them just dont care. They give false info about selfy sticks and wagons saying not aloud [sic]. Yet fucking thousands of people... my bad insects they are not people, INSECTS!!!! DECIDE TO CAUSE TRAFFIC JAMS, and continue to walk over people.. also too many non english speakers who decide to just loiter around DOING LITERAALY NOTHING but take space. Fk disney im fed up wanted to record the water show but APPARENTLY there is a fastpass? SINCE WHEN... iv been here well over 20 times im 25 and i am extremely unsatisfied! Incredicoaster was cool.” — Bradley J.
Sure, this person sees other human beings as insects. And sure, they got so fed up that their rant is filled with exclamation points and ALL CAPS.
But at least they think the Incredicoaster isn’t bad. And isn’t that all that really matters?
Mickey, the Pimp
“Whoever thought Mickey would turn out to be a MAJOR PIMP, letting customers KNOW, "B**** better have my money! Or your a** ain't getting in.”— Cassondra R.
My guess is there’s some underlying message here about how frustratingly expensive ticket prices have become. But all this review has me doing is wondering if, all this time, Mickey Mouse has been hiding a much darker side of himself...
Don’t Eat the “Vomite Meat”
“This place is the biggest hoax on Earth. 4 hours is the shortest wait to get on a ride.The affordable food tastes like Wendys vomite meat, and betime the skys dark you feel like it was'nt all that bad of a day. Even their shows are stupid.The only reason people go there to see the movie titles look expensive.” —Alef R.
Whew. A lot is happening in this review. From the confusing complaints about the food to the even more confusing description of the, um, dark bedtime sky (?), there’s a lot to parse here.
Frankly, I have no idea what’s going on. But I do know this guy was very frustrated. And that he really doesn’t like Wendy’s.
A (Parking) Lot to Complaint About
“You should be able to walk to the parking structure! It's very convoluted to get there on foot. They closed the regular pathway! Prisoner once again! ALL FOOD PLACES SHOULD OPEN AT 10AM. DUMB, what a waste!!! PARKING IS A JOKE! why don't you fire all those people not dogs big anything while we self park! There is at least 15 people just standing around NOT HELPING! That's what u pay $20 bucks for!” — Marie S.
This spirited review makes two things abundantly clear: One, the parking lot is too far from the park itself. And two, if you’re going to leave a one-star review, don’t forget to use lots of capitalization and exclamation points. Otherwise, HOW WILL PEOPLE GET YOUR POINT?!!
Toilet Paper Not up to Standards
“It's always packed
I hate the toilet paper
Lines way tooo long even on the weekdays.”
— MariUghh H.
Plenty of people would agree with the first and third parts of this almost poetic complaint. It can be frustrating when the park becomes flooded with people and you have to wait in a ridiculously long line for every park amenity.
But to sandwich in a complaint about the toilet paper seems like a low blow and, perhaps, the real reason for the one-star review.
Love My Girlfriend, Hate Disney
“First of all... I'm writing this on my gf yelp account and second of all... Phuck Disneyland... we showed up, got the park hopper... to find out that half of California adventures was closed... people don't pay to view the crap plastic settings (well some of us dont)... part of the costs is to actually be able to board the rides right? [arms crossed]... only reason why I come is because my gf is the princess of Montebello and she gets what she wants ... Love you babe, still hate Disney though.” — Jennifer M.
One star for Disney. Five stars for girlfriend.
“To [sic] many people and everything is over priced. Or maybe i just hate people and im really poor!” — Emmanuel F.
If this short review had stopped at the first sentence, it would have been nothing remarkable; long lines and costliness are the two biggest complaints about the park.
It’s the fact that this person took the time to wonder about their own problems that makes the review so delightful.
Don’t worry Emmanuel — Disney parks make lots of visitors feel cranky and poor.
If Only There Were Free Refills
“I absolutely love Disneyland. I don't mind crowds and can overlook a lot of the prices and RULES. I am quite upset at the no drink refill policy. Give us a break. It's really hot. We stand in heat and lines. Pay for overpriced and undersized drinks. NO REFILLS REALLY CHEAPENS THE EXPERIENCE.” — Sid R.
Even though this person is a big fan of the park and not bothered by many of the elements that annoy other people, the fact that there are no free refills is enough to turn them into a one-star reviewer. That’s some serious commitment to hydration.
Eating Meat and Jesus Walt
“WORST PLACE I'VE PROBABLY EVER BEEN TO!
Long lines, terrible rides, annoying kids, stupid barbaric mascots, dumb music, unreasonably priced tickets, and nasty ‘food’! I mean really disney? You cheap pathetic a**holes cant afford tofu? As oppose to the dead animals you sell to your brainless customers? I just find it so funny how Disney, whos face of the company is a mouse, and has various other animals contributing to it's Disney glory, has the nerve to sell their carcasses?! Dont you guys realise if it weren't for animals, Disney would be NOTHING! All those talking little furries are what make Disney relevant, yet they sell their dismembered limbs smothered in plant based sauce, and seasoning to people as if its normal! ITS NOT! How dare them! Im so sick of people giving these money hungry animal hating cucks a pass, as if this crappy place is the temple of Jesus and we have to worship and kiss the ground Walt's crusty little cancerous feet walked on! UGH I ABSOLUTELY HATE this place! I hate the entire concept of it, I hate the structure, I hate those fat ugly ‘princesses’ who resemble NONE of the characters! Its just a dumb place and I recommend it to NO ONE!” — Heidi R.
It likely would never occur to the average person that eating animals at a place where animals walk around is inhumane. It’s a far-fetched complaint, but one seemingly coming from a good place.
But the ensuing rant about religion and “ugly” princesses makes me think this is a person I probably wouldn't want to visit the park with in the future...
I’ll Explain Later
“I love Disneyland but I don't love the employees. This place needs better management. I'm too tired to explain myself because I just walked 5 miles to my car.”— Micah H.
I presume the five-mile walk is related to this reviewer’s frustration with Disneyland employees. And I understand wanting to get a complaint off your chest immediately.
But if you’re going to write a one-star review, maybe wait until you can, you know, actually explain your concern?
Too Much Fun
“The people here are too happy. Why does everything have to be so fun?
I find the ambiance to be too magical.
I thought Lord Farqua put an end to these fairytale foovervilles?
Those princesses are not convincing. Their dresses seemed unsuitable for the occasion. As if they're... overcompensating. I don't mean any disrespect if they are genuine royalty, but I may be on to something. After all, they do take selfies with commoners. But so do the Kardashians... so I'll have to think on this one.
Peter Pan gave me no peanut butter. Captain Jack shared no rum. And Elsa made me no ice. #hoarders
The laughter & smiles induced left the corners of my mouth numb & my belly feels uncomfortably of butterflies.
And in the end, the guards would not permit me to abide in the sleeping quarters of the castle. These Micky Mouse ears fooled no one.” —Jackson C.
This guy gets it.
If you’re going to complain about Disney, do it in a way that at least makes people laugh. This is so filled with sarcasm and underhanded almost-compliments that it reads like something penned by a comedy writer.
Well done, sir. I tip my (Mickey Mouse) hat to you.
Snake (Lines) in a Park!
"Not really that magical. It's difficult to find where lines start and the fact that they snake throughout the park makes it feel even more crowded. Overall, this place was not worth my time or money." — M.S.
Everyone hates doing lines, especially when you lose two hours of your life for a ride that lasts less than five minutes. But even the most avid line-hater understands that they snake through to save space.
We're not even sure what this person was expecting.
Smoking Is a Basic Right
"Poor accommodations for smokers. You literally have to walk half a mile outside the park to one designated area. Each time you go out to smoke you have to go back through temperature and security screening and the gate to get into the park. If you smoke, don't go. Unless you LOVE walking miles and miles just to smoke." — Jokena H.
How can Disney employees be so selfish that they would make poor smokers actually WALK so that kids aren't exposed to second-hand smoke? Sure, it's been proven to be deadly but walking "miles and miles just to smoke" is annoying.
2020 Is SO Last Year
"This crap needs an update badly; same like 2020 and still same technology from 30 years ago." — Quincy G.
We cannot believe that Disney doesn't update its entire parks every year!
Screaming Toddlers and Swindling
"Long lines that never end, too many kids and dumb parents with strollers. Staff is to [sic] happy and not enough alcohol in the park. Great place to waste a day and spend all of your money for shallow memories. Disney engages in THEFT by SWINDEL." — Jeff B.
It's almost as if Disney parks were explicitly made for kids who need to be accompanied by adults. Why a grown man would plan to go there to get wasted is beyond us.
Mutants and No Alcohol
"What the actual boring place charges me this amount of money to come into the park, forces me to be around mutants, like millions of them, but doesn't offer even a Chardonnay to purchase." — Joshua B.
What is it with adult men and wanting to get wasted at a place that is meant for children?
The Scariest Place on Earth
"A place where your nightmares come tru [sic].
Way overpriced tickets and food.
Long long long lines for outdated rides and attractions
Shame on you Disney." — Nader A.
Honestly, we give this reviewer a 10/10 for coming up with the greatest way to word the most common complaints.
A Kick to the No-No Spot
"Worst park in Disney. My wife has brought me here 3 times just to get on Star Wars ride. You cannot get in line to ride it & must use the app. We have been on the app as soon as it opens but cannot get on the ride. Disney needs to improve the process or offer a rebate if you cannot ride the ride. I'm DONE with this park, but my wife keeps coming back. I would like to kick Walt & Mickey in the no-no spot for putting me through this misery. I'm sure there is some Artificial intelligence built into the app that gives priority to guests staying at their resorts & VIP guests, but if you are an average joe, avoid this park. If you don't want to ride the Star Wars ride, enjoy your visit. If you come here thinking you will ride the Star Wars ride - major let down!" — Chuck H.
We're not sure what's creepier, that he wants to kick an imaginary character in the "no-no spot" or that he calls it that.
Big Brother Is Watching You
"I can't write what I experienced due to Yelp's thought and speech police. I did not like this park at all. It was not fun, and I don't recommend spending your hard-earned money here. I'm not allowed to say why sorry." —Don A.
Be careful what you think, Yelp might be able to read your mind and send their thought police over.
The Complaining Poet
"Even after 2 months of reservation
We could not get to the resistance ride
Lunes are 1 to 2 hours long. Clean. Yes
System of handicap and lines terrible
Plus be sure your mask is over the ears or you will not go in. Or may be an excuse to sell you one." — J L.
What we love about this review is that it reads like a poet. J L. even puts a space between his initials rather than a period. So avant-garde!
"My day was not magical as I was promised
There were not signs to direct you inside the park
I would love to hear from you Disney as I would like to really share with you how I felt." — Susan S.
Disney, like all our exes, broke its promise to Susan and is not listening to why that hurt so much.